I'm going to be kind of secretive about some things of my personal life. It's one thing to be open about me, it's another to drag others into the public eye. So I'm not going to use my name, although some of you know me in person. And I will not publish comments that use my name. Although I don't intend to share anything terrible, I do hope to stay employed and have a career.
So about me. I'm turning 40 on September 22. I always wear a tiara on my birthday, whether I'm at work or school or home. I'm single, never married, with three pugs and three cats. I am (as of September) a doctoral student. Once I pass my exams in October (positive thinking), I will be a doctoral candidate. I also work full time for a local government. I own a 100+ year old house that is too much for me. I rarely fit in anywhere I go. I have few friends but the ones I do have are special to me. I haven't dated since 1997 (wow!). I don't really have time, but honestly, I haven't really wanted to either. Relationships are hard and a lot of work. It doesn't seem worth it to me, at least right now. There's a niggling voice that pops up every once in a while that says I may regret this choice later, but I'm ignoring it.
I'm depressed and on medication. I'm slowly coming out of the fog, but nowhere near back to normal. My normal has been happy. This bout with depression has taken all my joy. I used to love sewing, making things, being creative. I used to love my pugs beyond measure. I didn't want to go anywhere during the little free time I have without them. I enjoyed being around them. Now, I don't.
I used to be really happy. And so positive about life. My sister called me a Pollyanna. I had so much patience and was slow to get angry. No longer. Food doesn't even taste good anymore. Not even chocolate. I haven't had cheesecake in a long time, one of my favorites. I'm afraid it won't taste good either. Even that perfect food, a tomato fresh from your garden, hasn't tasted good this year. I really want to get back to that version of me. I miss her.
This blog is hopefully part of that. I want to accomplish a few things here. One, I want to document the lessons I've learned in my nearly 40 years. Two, I want to celebrate my accomplishments, big and small. Three, I'm not sure yet. I still want to do 40 good deeds over the year. I firmly believe that doing good for others changes perspective. It's so easy, depressed or not, to get so wrapped up in my own stuff that I fail to see other people's stuff. BD (before depression), I would say that I was a very compassionate and understanding person. I still think that's important. It's hard to get there from here, but I'm determined to do it.
See, that's a sign that I am on the road to wellness again! I'm determined. This second blog post is a sign too. I haven't updated my other blog in months (other than a Wordless Wednesday or two). I just couldn't find the energy to write as perky little pugs. But I've written two posts here.
It's a small start, but I'll take it.
i've struggled with depression since i was 13 years old. when i was 17 it was expanded to depression AND bipolar. i will be 29 in a month and a half (give or take a few days.) life is a journey, and sometimes there are those of us on forced detours because of mental illness. after doing really good for the last 2 years or so my depression came back in february, hard. i just this past week spoke to my doctor about it. so just know you aren't alone. and when i feel like a failure i have to freak out (cry/scream/shake) but then i take a deep breath. never forget to breathe and as i try to remember though its difficult at times, as long as you're trying, you aren't failing.
ReplyDelete